she’s so vulnerable ((edited))

i am not strong as i used to be. i cry much easily than in the past.
even now, my eyes are starting to wet and all i can do is look straight up to clear my vision.
i cried last night.
maybe, he really didn’t do anything. it was all me.
maybe, it was a joke for him to say that i hate him, i hate hate him.
and it broke me down because it wasn’t true.

i said i was getting sensitive na….because of all the past experiences i’ve gone through. going through that, i thought, gosh, i’m stronger than i expected.
but hearing myself say that last night made me think—that those experiences only made my skin thinner rather than thicker. throughout the whole summer break, my heart always felt like being crushed even though nothing happened. i’m stressed for no reason. i was that vulnerable.

those experiences was very common in this blog and this really tells how i was affected by it even if i used funny lines and such.
(a) the Lesbo experience

  • i was ignored to the core by my roommates
  • they do nasty things there even if i was there
  • after they knew that i reported to the dorm manager that i think they’re lesbians and i want a room change, they started pushing me down
  • one girl almost succeding in throwing her water at me in front of many people, it was a good thing that only my arm was wet.
  • everytime i pass by their door, they would kick the bottles standing near the door (sometimes, it would break—maybe they were hoping that one of the sharp glasses would hit me and hurt me).
  • they treat my friends the same as i do—that’s why i never build another friendship in that dorm anymore so that i won’t hurt anyone else.

(b) the Kawatan experience

  • they didn’t know that it took a whole lot of me to face her and tell her that i suspected that she was the one who stole my wallet with 6000Php
  • for two consecutive days, i cried
  • her mom was degrading me—always telling me that what goes around comes around…
  • she would backstab me to her friends—-snickering at me when i pass by…she had more friends than i did.
  • her little fight with me affected a lot of people—even my friends ((why are my friends always affected?))

there was one experience i have never written here though it affected me even now—-i never typed this down because i was afraid that she would say, “haha. naa napud ka.”
she was the person who knew me the best.
she’s my sister.
we had a little feud one week ago.
i always noticed that she always makes fun of me even though i did nothing to her. finally, i broke down and cried. and she was like, “there you go again, always crying.”
maybe she thought i always get my attention through crying…i was tired. i can no longer hold back my tears.

we didn’t talk for two days.
my dad went to talk to her since i always ask him what was the reason of her treating me that way—and why did she cry afterwards…i was the one being teased.
my mom openly told me…
“she’s jealous, chai. and she’s crying right now so she could save herself from being scold by us.”
it’s terrible. one day, she always bang the door when i’m in the room.
throw the stuff and bang it in front of me—-
it was hurtful.
i hated jealousy
and i didn’t see the reason why she should be jealous…
i mean, she’s the friendliest among us…
she had a lot of friends, connections—-
she talks easily to older people/ to strangers.

i was jealous of her for that.
but we’re ok now….but she still teases me badly but i’m trying to ignore it.
and i don’t want mom/dad to praise me anymore.

i’m hurt—-i’ve been hurting…
and sometimes i want to kill myself—-but as i’ve said before:
“i killed myself so many times in my mind
that i considered myself overkilled by now.”

die! die! die!
hai—-i’m just joking.

i don’t want to hurt anymore…so that others will not be affected.


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