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The semester is almost over but it was only
lately that I realized the value and the sanctity of that one hour in the
afternoon every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I never realized that even Dio,
the ever diligent person in disturbing me during my free periods, would think
twice about disturbing me in this holy hour.

 

After a nose-bleeding lecture from Sir
Estoconing ((whom I just have noticed to be fond of calling my male classmates
rather than the females for reasons now I think is obvious)), a broad smile was
drawn in my face when I faced at my two seatmates, Cha-Cha and Vivien, as they
motion me outside the room, down the fearsome slippery ramp and to the modern
architecture of the CBA lobby. A typical MWF day, another hour, I think to myself.

 

Sometimes we are silent.

Sometimes we talk.

Sometimes we eat.

But no less we enjoy—-the sliding of our
finances, the comfortable silence and the expense of our saliva flying off to
each other.

 

The bench.

Small—enough for three people.

Fronted at the entrance—-

A good site to observe people.

 

Just this afternoon, about 3 hours ago
referring to typing time and not in uploading entry time, Vivien was talking
about her guys.

She broke up with this guy who was working
in Cebu—-the guy was in disbelief
((psychology term: denial)) but the conversation went like this…

“I don’t want to be with a guy who does not
have
time for me—-

—who won’t text me
oftentimes

—who won’t visit me here at least once a
month”

 

Guy says:

“But I’ve given you everything.

Money, when you ask for it.”

 

Girl says:

“It’s not about the money—

There’s a guy here courting me

And I’m planning on accepting him soon

I really like him a lot.

So, let’s break up.”

 

I then remembered to myself that I used to
be that kind of girl

—-minus the tendency to be drunk

—-minus the party girl attitude

—-minus the fact that she asked money from
her boyfriend when she was already entertaining a suitor

—-minus the carefree attitude

—-she had a lot of sins, but I still like
her. Like, duh, who has no sins?

 

I used to be like her—

—I used to be so strong in my decisions

—when everything was not in balance, I
immediately quit

—I leave part of me without a tear.

 

I am different now

—I am afraid

Is this an effect of being properly educated?

Is this an effect of trauma from all the
past things that happened?

 

I am afraid of many things

—-but so more when it comes to
relationships

I am afraid that

—I never noticed that I am abused

—or whether I am
abusive

—I never noticed if I had left him alone

—or I’ve given him
too much attention

 

 

Do I overcalculate?

Or am I just being normal?

 

I
should stop talking about this.

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