I’ve been known to sleep early—-and I meant 8PM.
But now I rarely—or a better word would be NEVER—sleep at that time.
The number of hours I sleep is dwindling—-and I still force myself to wake up at the earliest hour of 5AM and the latest of 6AM.
And I don’t know why.

It might be because I’ve recently started to reread all the four books of twilight (which as you know, i already finished reading all four books in four days of last sembreak)…
or it might be because of the stupid dreams—–
the dreamless nights (peaceful yet dull)———–
or the unconscious urge to think———————-

—about what has
—what is
—what should have
—what should have been

i admit—every day, I do think of him.
Though, not as often.
I refuse to see even a thumbnail of his picture in any social site that I may get to see…
I skip the parts of videos that we have together…
I’m starting to forget his face…
and I hope the amnesia would be permanent.

Early mornings are the best times for the temptation to think of him seeps in—–
being half-awake leads me somewhere my body would love to go…
but reality cannot put up with—–

But I do get some recalls of how we got through life together…
but I couple it with justifications of why we’re not going through the same path.

That’s my goal.
I do not want to see him.
I do not want to smell him.
I do not want to hear his name.

Come to think of it—-when was the last time I voiced out his name?
His name was so common….
There was much of his name in books
—of Management (my major)
—of Psychology (my Friend’s major)
—of infinite nothingness (books, series, etc.)
But when was the last time that that name really referred to him?
I do not want to remember.

But why do I write now?
It seems I want to record every detail—–
coz it seems my life is pouring down the drain….
might as well record every eventful thing…treat it as my last.


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