make me remember

yesterday, i scanned my blog entries—from December 2006 to about March 2007.
I was looking for this one blog entry which was private…it contained reasons on why i shouldn’t go back to him.
his little acts (misscalls) move me too much—thinking that he cared.

any logical person would deduce his actions as nothing that would signify that he cared for me.

so i had to go back to spying again…
believe me—-it worked.
because after i read some things, i felt like throwing up.

i was going for this??
should have looked for something better.

make me remember the pain.
so that i wouldn’t go back there again.
those trifle moments that were making me happy
—the one i remember now was when i was still in highschool, riding on a single motorcycle (driven by one of my mom’s friends to pick me up) and i passed by this tree near a small bridge.
And beside that tree was him.
—guy holding up a handkerchief on his face
i waved goodbye to him and stuck my tongue out a little
and he waved back

those kind of moments, i should realized—–were minimal…not enough to compensate for the thousands of pain i endured.
and he’s making it worst every after break-up.
I swear, I could have moved on easily after the first break up.
The tears were helping.

Now….there are no tears.
It’s hard to push out my feelings into something tangible as tears….now I can only let myself suffer alone.
No one can see it.
I can’t explain it.
And I couldn’t even help it.
Because there are no more tears to shed.
Not that I can force them out anymore.

Make me remember the pain.
So I wouldn’t go back there again.


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