almost went too far but i chickened out

i was this ______ close (literally that close) to coming over to his house and say what i will be able to say despite the travel sickness and the point of sometimes being incomprehensible when i’m nervous.
i can’t do this.
i can’t deal with this anymore.
and this time i asked for my friends’ help.

nica was already preparing money for the trip….
kristel already asked for her mom’s permission.
sheela was still in cagayan so she couldn’t come here.

hay…i chickened out.
for a lot of reasons.
i’m tired.

you know how i really feel about him.
but what he said to me during holy week and a few days after that don’t match up.

THese are the facts and i will let him deny it or confirm….but it doesn’t change that they are facts:

first: he doesn’t love me
second: he doesn’t care what i do, what i become, or whatever.
third: i’m being played around by a guy.

nica told me today that maybe what i needed was another guy…
to cover up the pain.
but i couldn’t really force myself to a guy.
it goes against my very nature.
hay…i’m feeling the end soon. but on whose ending that is, time will tell.

as esmee denters say, “get me outta here, ‘Cuz my eyes are burning from these silly tears
That you brought when you show me you don’t really care
And you never loved me, someone get me outta this place
Right now”

i should feel pain, but i’m numbed.
that’s even worst…cause when you don’t feel pain—–something broke.

i think i’ll follow what nica said….i should just let it go. not do anything about it.

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